best girlfriend, anthropophage, eccles-cake eater, moisturiser, jet-setter, unemployed jockey, traffic warden, jammy sod, sister, olympic gold medallist, soap-box maker, consumer, 13 stone, post-natal, toe-nail clipper, former united states president, goodie-goodie, purveyor of fine herbs and medicines to h.m. queen elizabeth ii, debutante, private dick, remote controller, former austrian inneralpine hurricane predictor, would-be francophone, home-made man, zebra de-striper, head shrinker, sculptor, cricketer, celebrity embalmer, composer, draft enforcer, paper pusher, psychoanalyst, basket weaver, elvis lookalike, healer, rumour spreader, egg pickler, 180 lbs, ghostwriter, snake charmer, 1m88, palm reader, highwayman, football commentator, de-licer, bikini waxer, armpit sound artist, sherpa, happy camper, mercury sniffer, first official viola-class-on-the-moon inspector, corpse manicurist, julio iglesias' lyricist, bra underwirer, love potion, sushi chef, mad hatter, fruit picker, sherker, potty trainer, (null), oceanographer, hatchet man, film critic, lady di impersonator, post-raphaelite, antarctic explorer, ex-smoker, mammal, solid-state physicist, hippopotamus wrestler, anteater, bad speller, englšnder, crowd pleaser, 82 kgs, autogamist, refrigerator defurrer, northerner, wheel changer, dope dealer to the rich and infamous, prodigal son, soap opera starlet, aeroflot safety inspector emeritus, elephant-house cleaner, honourary pygmy, male, leach sucker, your worst nightmare, chest hair decurler, amateur gynecologist, intestinal pipe cleaner, march hare, philosopher, big cheese, taxidermist, blue-eyed, hillary clinton's fashion consultant, margaret thatcher's joke writer, coffin nailer, pedicurist, teacher, brown haired, pepper grinder, warmonger, seasonal motocrotte driver, mushroom cultivator, caucasian, will-never-be ex-drinker, astrologist, landscape gardener, political consultant, painter, religious leader, leg cruncher, roadrunner, contortionist, make-up remover, beard trimmer, pooper-scooper, land mine detonator, hair stylist, bear baiter, six-footer, goatherd, absolutist, poet, sexologist, fire hazard, camel trader, professional mourner, natural gas producer, performance artist, root canal digger, tattle-teller, failure, necrologist, good egg, chorus girl at the Moulin Rouge, settee upholsterer, worrier, rollmop herring roller, herbivore, cannon fodder, bounty hunter, ex-oboist, old masters restorer, jockstrap test pilot, brother, a-and-f-singer, programmer, burger flipper, gurkha, prickly pear importer, imposter, cowboy, astronaut, DIY fetishist, grave robber, rectangulist, stamp licker, experimental ornithologist, the most excellent zidiot lovehater, monomaniac, bomb shelter, pumpkin masher, tramp, pop icon, ... (suggestions?)

(with a little education, you too can be all these things....check out my alma mater and see how I became like this.)

upwards and onwards