failure, chest hair decurler, rumour spreader, (null), crowd pleaser, ghostwriter, zebra de-striper, bounty hunter, will-never-be ex-drinker, sushi chef, intestinal pipe cleaner, root canal digger, julio iglesias' lyricist, home-made man, leach sucker, painter, hillary clinton's fashion consultant, composer, healer, bad speller, pop icon, performance artist, prodigal son, mushroom cultivator, bear baiter, teacher, mad hatter, best girlfriend, armpit sound artist, would-be francophone, roadrunner, seasonal motocrotte driver, herbivore, philosopher, bra underwirer, anteater, anthropophage, 82 kgs, celebrity embalmer, dope dealer to the rich and infamous, pooper-scooper, soap-box maker, leg cruncher, amateur gynecologist, professional mourner, antarctic explorer, ex-oboist, elvis lookalike, pepper grinder, land mine detonator, sexologist, happy camper, wheel changer, blue-eyed, corpse manicurist, astronaut, 180 lbs, poet, mercury sniffer, highwayman, bomb shelter, necrologist, warmonger, draft enforcer, rectangulist, taxidermist, margaret thatcher's joke writer, cannon fodder, autogamist, the most excellent zidiot lovehater, worrier, psychoanalyst, film critic, snake charmer, goatherd, refrigerator defurrer, old masters restorer, sister, landscape gardener, elephant-house cleaner, egg pickler, unemployed jockey, jockstrap test pilot, religious leader, imposter, pumpkin masher, coffin nailer, lady di impersonator, fruit picker, basket weaver, first official viola-class-on-the-moon inspector, hippopotamus wrestler, soap opera starlet, englšnder, gurkha, programmer, sherker, ex-smoker, camel trader, consumer, potty trainer, chorus girl at the Moulin Rouge, love potion, post-raphaelite, brother, your worst nightmare, march hare, a-and-f-singer, beard trimmer, political consultant, monomaniac, debutante, burger flipper, former austrian inneralpine hurricane predictor, contortionist, northerner, make-up remover, post-natal, natural gas producer, tramp, private dick, prickly pear importer, head shrinker, honourary pygmy, remote controller, cricketer, sculptor, olympic gold medallist, former united states president, rollmop herring roller, hatchet man, cowboy, jet-setter, traffic warden, fire hazard, big cheese, pedicurist, football commentator, moisturiser, de-licer, settee upholsterer, aeroflot safety inspector emeritus, purveyor of fine herbs and medicines to h.m. queen elizabeth ii, oceanographer, paper pusher, bikini waxer, astrologist, 1m88, DIY fetishist, jammy sod, grave robber, toe-nail clipper, palm reader, male, brown haired, 13 stone, caucasian, mammal, solid-state physicist, six-footer, absolutist, eccles-cake eater, stamp licker, experimental ornithologist, goodie-goodie, sherpa, hair stylist, tattle-teller, good egg, ... (suggestions?)

(with a little education, you too can be all these things....check out my alma mater and see how I became like this.)

upwards and onwards