13 stone, 82 kgs, fire hazard, hatchet man, moisturiser, leg cruncher, pop icon, post-raphaelite, root canal digger, hillary clinton's fashion consultant, sushi chef, former united states president, dope dealer to the rich and infamous, mercury sniffer, big cheese, absolutist, egg pickler, cricketer, head shrinker, jockstrap test pilot, rectangulist, mushroom cultivator, monomaniac, political consultant, jammy sod, sister, refrigerator defurrer, camel trader, bra underwirer, tattle-teller, brother, aeroflot safety inspector emeritus, northerner, march hare, amateur gynecologist, fruit picker, professional mourner, love potion, healer, chest hair decurler, astrologist, bounty hunter, eccles-cake eater, goatherd, wheel changer, the most excellent zidiot lovehater, imposter, remote controller, goodie-goodie, pedicurist, post-natal, cowboy, DIY fetishist, elephant-house cleaner, programmer, highwayman, teacher, beard trimmer, seasonal motocrotte driver, home-made man, taxidermist, experimental ornithologist, oceanographer, paper pusher, roadrunner, purveyor of fine herbs and medicines to h.m. queen elizabeth ii, philosopher, blue-eyed, potty trainer, performance artist, leach sucker, mammal, old masters restorer, poet, ex-smoker, 1m88, former austrian inneralpine hurricane predictor, coffin nailer, brown haired, corpse manicurist, 180 lbs, warmonger, anthropophage, sherker, pumpkin masher, psychoanalyst, religious leader, jet-setter, snake charmer, caucasian, herbivore, contortionist, rumour spreader, mad hatter, celebrity embalmer, soap opera starlet, ghostwriter, rollmop herring roller, best girlfriend, unemployed jockey, engländer, hippopotamus wrestler, bikini waxer, cannon fodder, honourary pygmy, margaret thatcher's joke writer, (null), debutante, happy camper, sculptor, your worst nightmare, armpit sound artist, julio iglesias' lyricist, landscape gardener, bear baiter, zebra de-striper, ex-oboist, natural gas producer, soap-box maker, lady di impersonator, traffic warden, anteater, prodigal son, male, burger flipper, painter, grave robber, sherpa, astronaut, football commentator, prickly pear importer, good egg, sexologist, de-licer, toe-nail clipper, make-up remover, bad speller, palm reader, antarctic explorer, film critic, hair stylist, solid-state physicist, pepper grinder, land mine detonator, first official viola-class-on-the-moon inspector, six-footer, worrier, settee upholsterer, intestinal pipe cleaner, tramp, necrologist, gurkha, stamp licker, would-be francophone, elvis lookalike, a-and-f-singer, will-never-be ex-drinker, chorus girl at the Moulin Rouge, bomb shelter, pooper-scooper, crowd pleaser, olympic gold medallist, composer, private dick, basket weaver, consumer, autogamist, failure, draft enforcer, ... (suggestions?)


(with a little education, you too can be all these things....check out my alma mater and see how I became like this.)
 

upwards and onwards