pedicurist, first official viola-class-on-the-moon inspector, bomb shelter, sister, (null), the most excellent zidiot lovehater, roadrunner, rumour spreader, former united states president, contortionist, debutante, pumpkin masher, chorus girl at the Moulin Rouge, potty trainer, seasonal motocrotte driver, sherpa, toe-nail clipper, brother, worrier, 13 stone, tramp, 1m88, elvis lookalike, film critic, sushi chef, dope dealer to the rich and infamous, psychoanalyst, land mine detonator, absolutist, purveyor of fine herbs and medicines to h.m. queen elizabeth ii, a-and-f-singer, anthropophage, moisturiser, eccles-cake eater, former austrian inneralpine hurricane predictor, imposter, necrologist, olympic gold medallist, brown haired, hair stylist, paper pusher, taxidermist, 82 kgs, sculptor, landscape gardener, bounty hunter, performance artist, stamp licker, bear baiter, cricketer, snake charmer, mushroom cultivator, cannon fodder, prickly pear importer, healer, goodie-goodie, margaret thatcher's joke writer, tattle-teller, ex-smoker, rollmop herring roller, sexologist, failure, hatchet man, intestinal pipe cleaner, good egg, mad hatter, bra underwirer, football commentator, grave robber, fire hazard, settee upholsterer, draft enforcer, burger flipper, cowboy, would-be francophone, autogamist, armpit sound artist, bikini waxer, mammal, will-never-be ex-drinker, elephant-house cleaner, root canal digger, corpse manicurist, natural gas producer, de-licer, englšnder, palm reader, leg cruncher, home-made man, pop icon, aeroflot safety inspector emeritus, warmonger, philosopher, goatherd, bad speller, prodigal son, honourary pygmy, soap opera starlet, traffic warden, crowd pleaser, happy camper, blue-eyed, painter, pepper grinder, lady di impersonator, political consultant, anteater, astronaut, religious leader, composer, big cheese, leach sucker, private dick, teacher, male, old masters restorer, make-up remover, sherker, fruit picker, egg pickler, camel trader, post-raphaelite, poet, pooper-scooper, professional mourner, programmer, 180 lbs, head shrinker, caucasian, experimental ornithologist, monomaniac, ex-oboist, amateur gynecologist, post-natal, jammy sod, best girlfriend, soap-box maker, remote controller, astrologist, basket weaver, zebra de-striper, solid-state physicist, highwayman, DIY fetishist, six-footer, gurkha, consumer, coffin nailer, oceanographer, jet-setter, wheel changer, julio iglesias' lyricist, jockstrap test pilot, chest hair decurler, antarctic explorer, refrigerator defurrer, love potion, herbivore, rectangulist, beard trimmer, ghostwriter, your worst nightmare, march hare, celebrity embalmer, unemployed jockey, northerner, mercury sniffer, hippopotamus wrestler, hillary clinton's fashion consultant, ... (suggestions?)

(with a little education, you too can be all these things....check out my alma mater and see how I became like this.)

upwards and onwards