football commentator, former united states president, zebra de-striper, necrologist, the most excellent zidiot lovehater, aeroflot safety inspector emeritus, roadrunner, (null), make-up remover, leach sucker, gurkha, rectangulist, celebrity embalmer, old masters restorer, settee upholsterer, egg pickler, healer, love potion, best girlfriend, psychoanalyst, tramp, composer, leg cruncher, basket weaver, will-never-be ex-drinker, big cheese, warmonger, philosopher, mercury sniffer, hatchet man, natural gas producer, ex-smoker, worrier, debutante, soap-box maker, julio iglesias' lyricist, corpse manicurist, pooper-scooper, pedicurist, bra underwirer, intestinal pipe cleaner, post-raphaelite, autogamist, good egg, bomb shelter, rumour spreader, brother, de-licer, cannon fodder, camel trader, 13 stone, consumer, professional mourner, eccles-cake eater, happy camper, beard trimmer, a-and-f-singer, northerner, poet, pop icon, stamp licker, prodigal son, mammal, head shrinker, sexologist, sculptor, margaret thatcher's joke writer, first official viola-class-on-the-moon inspector, solid-state physicist, six-footer, astrologist, painter, would-be francophone, performance artist, sherker, unemployed jockey, sister, failure, rollmop herring roller, refrigerator defurrer, soap opera starlet, lady di impersonator, anteater, private dick, hippopotamus wrestler, root canal digger, ex-oboist, home-made man, caucasian, burger flipper, elephant-house cleaner, landscape gardener, mushroom cultivator, experimental ornithologist, 1m88, highwayman, ghostwriter, former austrian inneralpine hurricane predictor, remote controller, olympic gold medallist, absolutist, male, mad hatter, goatherd, draft enforcer, potty trainer, teacher, post-natal, bounty hunter, imposter, your worst nightmare, sherpa, monomaniac, 82 kgs, programmer, blue-eyed, fruit picker, bear baiter, cowboy, prickly pear importer, dope dealer to the rich and infamous, purveyor of fine herbs and medicines to h.m. queen elizabeth ii, jockstrap test pilot, anthropophage, bad speller, hillary clinton's fashion consultant, elvis lookalike, sushi chef, armpit sound artist, traffic warden, seasonal motocrotte driver, fire hazard, chorus girl at the Moulin Rouge, englšnder, chest hair decurler, film critic, oceanographer, brown haired, religious leader, moisturiser, jet-setter, toe-nail clipper, bikini waxer, jammy sod, astronaut, crowd pleaser, honourary pygmy, pumpkin masher, antarctic explorer, 180 lbs, DIY fetishist, taxidermist, hair stylist, grave robber, palm reader, tattle-teller, contortionist, pepper grinder, land mine detonator, coffin nailer, herbivore, goodie-goodie, march hare, amateur gynecologist, wheel changer, snake charmer, political consultant, paper pusher, cricketer, ... (suggestions?)

(with a little education, you too can be all these things....check out my alma mater and see how I became like this.)

upwards and onwards