old masters restorer, poet, hatchet man, armpit sound artist, painter, anthropophage, cannon fodder, palm reader, settee upholsterer, home-made man, purveyor of fine herbs and medicines to h.m. queen elizabeth ii, herbivore, imposter, natural gas producer, zebra de-striper, pepper grinder, leg cruncher, mercury sniffer, brown haired, remote controller, failure, paper pusher, psychoanalyst, land mine detonator, julio iglesias' lyricist, crowd pleaser, 13 stone, olympic gold medallist, sister, leach sucker, rectangulist, 82 kgs, astronaut, 1m88, sexologist, antarctic explorer, debutante, astrologist, blue-eyed, highwayman, root canal digger, will-never-be ex-drinker, prickly pear importer, DIY fetishist, your worst nightmare, sculptor, male, goatherd, potty trainer, grave robber, hippopotamus wrestler, toe-nail clipper, former united states president, honourary pygmy, 180 lbs, camel trader, tramp, worrier, chest hair decurler, bear baiter, hillary clinton's fashion consultant, first official viola-class-on-the-moon inspector, draft enforcer, healer, northerner, bounty hunter, roadrunner, ex-smoker, oceanographer, cricketer, best girlfriend, soap-box maker, necrologist, fruit picker, cowboy, mad hatter, sushi chef, corpse manicurist, football commentator, seasonal motocrotte driver, brother, rollmop herring roller, film critic, pedicurist, chorus girl at the Moulin Rouge, celebrity embalmer, would-be francophone, egg pickler, happy camper, beard trimmer, gurkha, margaret thatcher's joke writer, refrigerator defurrer, lady di impersonator, anteater, consumer, traffic warden, professional mourner, head shrinker, basket weaver, intestinal pipe cleaner, march hare, wheel changer, post-raphaelite, fire hazard, programmer, big cheese, de-licer, sherpa, experimental ornithologist, moisturiser, post-natal, jockstrap test pilot, elvis lookalike, coffin nailer, solid-state physicist, philosopher, private dick, teacher, rumour spreader, performance artist, eccles-cake eater, hair stylist, tattle-teller, soap opera starlet, aeroflot safety inspector emeritus, bomb shelter, six-footer, caucasian, good egg, englšnder, dope dealer to the rich and infamous, taxidermist, ex-oboist, (null), burger flipper, pop icon, bikini waxer, elephant-house cleaner, ghostwriter, autogamist, amateur gynecologist, snake charmer, love potion, landscape gardener, warmonger, contortionist, sherker, jet-setter, mammal, prodigal son, unemployed jockey, bra underwirer, make-up remover, absolutist, a-and-f-singer, stamp licker, the most excellent zidiot lovehater, pumpkin masher, bad speller, political consultant, jammy sod, former austrian inneralpine hurricane predictor, religious leader, goodie-goodie, mushroom cultivator, composer, monomaniac, pooper-scooper, ... (suggestions?)

(with a little education, you too can be all these things....check out my alma mater and see how I became like this.)

upwards and onwards