soap-box maker, imposter, pedicurist, sushi chef, 13 stone, debutante, sculptor, herbivore, refrigerator defurrer, caucasian, pop icon, seasonal motocrotte driver, (null), elephant-house cleaner, snake charmer, will-never-be ex-drinker, the most excellent zidiot lovehater, basket weaver, bounty hunter, poet, rollmop herring roller, camel trader, eccles-cake eater, philosopher, dope dealer to the rich and infamous, jet-setter, contortionist, zebra de-striper, egg pickler, gurkha, ex-smoker, cowboy, love potion, professional mourner, football commentator, de-licer, religious leader, moisturiser, composer, bear baiter, consumer, prodigal son, post-raphaelite, hair stylist, chest hair decurler, performance artist, pumpkin masher, hippopotamus wrestler, beard trimmer, post-natal, honourary pygmy, hillary clinton's fashion consultant, astrologist, worrier, fire hazard, armpit sound artist, draft enforcer, sister, home-made man, rumour spreader, brown haired, stamp licker, male, soap opera starlet, big cheese, astronaut, purveyor of fine herbs and medicines to h.m. queen elizabeth ii, grave robber, prickly pear importer, bikini waxer, would-be francophone, amateur gynecologist, experimental ornithologist, fruit picker, DIY fetishist, ghostwriter, taxidermist, private dick, a-and-f-singer, 180 lbs, olympic gold medallist, 1m88, aeroflot safety inspector emeritus, 82 kgs, autogamist, goatherd, sexologist, pooper-scooper, rectangulist, mammal, celebrity embalmer, psychoanalyst, ex-oboist, roadrunner, blue-eyed, englšnder, burger flipper, crowd pleaser, first official viola-class-on-the-moon inspector, jockstrap test pilot, former united states president, necrologist, coffin nailer, sherker, unemployed jockey, warmonger, toe-nail clipper, wheel changer, chorus girl at the Moulin Rouge, best girlfriend, natural gas producer, former austrian inneralpine hurricane predictor, happy camper, solid-state physicist, make-up remover, bomb shelter, brother, six-footer, lady di impersonator, mercury sniffer, cannon fodder, your worst nightmare, absolutist, corpse manicurist, old masters restorer, leach sucker, bra underwirer, monomaniac, mad hatter, settee upholsterer, mushroom cultivator, palm reader, anteater, intestinal pipe cleaner, julio iglesias' lyricist, oceanographer, anthropophage, northerner, political consultant, jammy sod, goodie-goodie, painter, paper pusher, cricketer, healer, antarctic explorer, tramp, teacher, bad speller, march hare, sherpa, landscape gardener, film critic, head shrinker, pepper grinder, land mine detonator, margaret thatcher's joke writer, tattle-teller, good egg, programmer, leg cruncher, elvis lookalike, remote controller, highwayman, root canal digger, failure, potty trainer, hatchet man, traffic warden, ... (suggestions?)


(with a little education, you too can be all these things....check out my alma mater and see how I became like this.)
 

upwards and onwards