absolutist, composer, purveyor of fine herbs and medicines to h.m. queen elizabeth ii, moisturiser, jammy sod, film critic, tramp, football commentator, chest hair decurler, 180 lbs, herbivore, beard trimmer, happy camper, 13 stone, fire hazard, snake charmer, ex-oboist, grave robber, goodie-goodie, teacher, head shrinker, healer, the most excellent zidiot lovehater, home-made man, celebrity embalmer, elephant-house cleaner, leach sucker, gurkha, (null), political consultant, ex-smoker, contortionist, paper pusher, amateur gynecologist, dope dealer to the rich and infamous, male, pedicurist, armpit sound artist, taxidermist, will-never-be ex-drinker, zebra de-striper, blue-eyed, best girlfriend, a-and-f-singer, toe-nail clipper, pop icon, march hare, jet-setter, cricketer, big cheese, corpse manicurist, sister, religious leader, oceanographer, prickly pear importer, de-licer, sherpa, would-be francophone, coffin nailer, lady di impersonator, hillary clinton's fashion consultant, unemployed jockey, mercury sniffer, cannon fodder, sherker, camel trader, painter, bounty hunter, consumer, antarctic explorer, potty trainer, psychoanalyst, first official viola-class-on-the-moon inspector, goatherd, poet, DIY fetishist, former austrian inneralpine hurricane predictor, margaret thatcher's joke writer, remote controller, wheel changer, brown haired, autogamist, old masters restorer, necrologist, six-footer, bikini waxer, worrier, seasonal motocrotte driver, programmer, eccles-cake eater, landscape gardener, honourary pygmy, astronaut, mushroom cultivator, monomaniac, aeroflot safety inspector emeritus, rumour spreader, elvis lookalike, natural gas producer, rectangulist, sushi chef, 82 kgs, bear baiter, ghostwriter, root canal digger, professional mourner, mammal, highwayman, hair stylist, tattle-teller, soap-box maker, settee upholsterer, stamp licker, caucasian, anteater, performance artist, crowd pleaser, debutante, bad speller, basket weaver, palm reader, burger flipper, prodigal son, hippopotamus wrestler, astrologist, bra underwirer, good egg, jockstrap test pilot, sculptor, julio iglesias' lyricist, pepper grinder, anthropophage, post-raphaelite, solid-state physicist, northerner, sexologist, former united states president, failure, egg pickler, post-natal, love potion, olympic gold medallist, 1m88, englšnder, fruit picker, chorus girl at the Moulin Rouge, draft enforcer, warmonger, land mine detonator, mad hatter, philosopher, make-up remover, experimental ornithologist, roadrunner, intestinal pipe cleaner, brother, bomb shelter, leg cruncher, pooper-scooper, refrigerator defurrer, your worst nightmare, soap opera starlet, pumpkin masher, private dick, rollmop herring roller, hatchet man, imposter, cowboy, traffic warden, ... (suggestions?)

(with a little education, you too can be all these things....check out my alma mater and see how I became like this.)

upwards and onwards